my story: part 1

warning: this post goes ALL over the place...my mind was a little crazy



here's how my story goes....

i can always remember being worrier. from the beginning of time you could say. i remember laying in bed with my mom, my best friend. she told me to go get a ruler, i brought it to her and she showed me a measurement of a tumor in her ovaries. i honestly had no idea what that was. i remember being at my grandma's nursing home and my mommy running to the bathroom because something was dripping down her leg, i remember coming home and she cut her LONG hair to right above her shoulders, i remember her hair falling out in clumps, i remember her shaving her head, wearing different hats and scarfs. she still went to work everyday in new york. she still came home and made us dinner. i feel guilty that i don't' really remember her. i feel like i was cheated. people in life who didn't deserve to get to know my mom know her better that i ever will. and i don't think that's fair. i remember being a 9 year old brat, and i wonder if that made her hate me, i know that's not true but there are still doubts in my mind....back to the story.....my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, i remember she had surgery and went into remission, then it came back and it came back with a vengeance. she literally fought for her life but rarely let me see her struggle. i used to help her attach her iv's, i remember there was a medicine that made her mouth taste so bad i'd give her a mint right away. she tried to make it feel as normal as possible. i remember the day that she told me she was going to die, but a nine year old doesn't really process that. i remember going outside and talking to my best friend, saying my mom was going to die. but when someone says that do you EVER really let go of that little hope that they'll be the one to make it. they'll be that one in the medical books, "1 in 1000000". we don't, because if we did how would we have faith, how would we keep going, how would we be able to get ourselves out of bed without hope. now shall i get back to the story? okay, i will. my mom literally fought for her life, you hear that all the time. but my mom never did anything just for herself. she was the most selfless person i know, we moved to a bigger house so my aunt who could never pay her rent would have somewhere to live when she was kicked out of her house, she would buy my aunts family groceries, clothes, anything before she would get herself something. she was told she was going to make it until October of '04 if she were lucky. she wanted to be there for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. she wanted to see us open all of our presents. she didn't give up until she felt as though we had all the time with her we needed. on christmas morning she went to hospice, after we opened presents, she never let me see her in pain, she never let me know she was struggling, she never took a smile off her face, her ocean blue eyes always glistened, i didn't know it was coming. i know my family was trying to protect me but sometimes i just WISH that i got to stay with her that night, hug her, smell her, hold her, be with my mommy one last time. i remember visiting her and every time i went there was one more bed empty, i didn't connect the dots. i was too busy playing with my new american girl doll. i didn't know. i went to visit my half sister for Christmas break and when i came back the mom i saw wasn't someone i knew. she was in a drugged state.she didn't speak she was merely a body....she was not mom. i remember i hugged her, said i loved her and left. that was saturday january 3rd. on january 4th i didn't visit her. that night i was laying down going to bed and i remember walking into my dads room saying i wanted to call her. he said to wait until the morning, i didn't have a chance. and for right now, this is all i am able to write.

Because of the Lord, I am here.

this might be a long one. i keep hearing this thing about people talking about God; that you grow closer to him when you're in the darkest places in your life, and that's so true for me. i just recently got close with God. i always used to pray but i don't think i ever really had faith. i'd never really talk to god in all aspects of life, just a quick generic pray here and there at night. but the beginning of the year was REALLY hard for me. i had panic attacks daily. i couldn't get through a day of school without taking a little break. i was so lost. talking about it makes me upset....and thats when i found Kelly's blog, and i strongly beleive that God made me find her, because she opened my eyes up to Him again. it's because of her that i've been trusting in God, talking to him, preaching about him, and reading the Bible....she was put in place for me to find her. then from Kelly if found MckMama...and she has grown my faith even more. i love them, i've only spoken to Kelly maybe once. i've never talkedto Mckmama, and i know that they don't know how much they helped me find my faith again when i was so alone and dark. but i wanted to say thank you. because of them i'm still fighting and winning my battle against anxiety and worry. because of them i have FAITH in God, i've seen the miracles that they have experienced and i know that God has a path in life for me, and i know they were put in my path so i could find Him again.

thank you Kelly and MckMama, these words cannot express the gratitude i have for you guys.

xoxo alyssa

finals.

my finals start tomorrow. my freshman year is OVER. it went by way too fast!
i can't beleive it. i'm getting prepared for finals and i'll be done on monday.

you are my sunshine

No pun intendend, but the past MONTH during the week, Monday-Friday, it's.....rainy, gloomy, humid, and overall depressing kind of weather. And then we get to the weekend and it's GORGEOUS, SUNNY, BREEZY, BLUE SKIES.....then Monday comes. I know that God's bringing the nice weather for the relaxing weekend but please, please, a girl needs some sunlight!! This past week has been hard for me because I forgot to take my medicine for a couple of days so my OCD and Anxiety got really bad and I am starting to feel back to normal and will NEVER forget to take my medicine daily.....lesson learned!!! Also, I've been searching within myself to beleive in God, although I beleive, and pray I don't think I'm doing what he wants me to do with my life. I have started to read the bible and I am trying to read and associate with more religious p....okay my friend called me while I was writing this asking me to help her with something so I can honestly say that I have NO CLUE what I was going to write after the "p"....people? person? peeps? pigs?....I don't even know! HAHAHAH. Okayyyyy....so I am building my relationship with God as I begin to read the bible, and as I become closer with God I think that I see the more temptation for sin there is. No one in my immediate family is very religious soI feel odd talking to them about this although I know God would want me to promote his name...as I write this I feel as though He is showing me the truth Faith and Trust I have with him as I write these words effortlessly and I see how I truly beleive in him.

School is going to be done in about a week and a half and I always hear people say that freshman year goes by quick but I never realized that it went THIS quick. I feel like I just was dropped off at orientation with shaking knees and my heart racing!!! I countinue to grow eachday and I'm getting a little bit anxious for finals but know that I'll be fine!! We have a Mac lab in school with I want to say 30 of the new iMac desktop computer and they're amazing. Today my best friend Shrouk and I went in there during lunch with the intention of Shrouk doing her science study guide but we resulted in laughing hysterically, taking pictures, listening to Taylor Swift, and just being GIRLS. Here are some of the pictures we took......

I really love the last one....my hair is a HOT MESS because of this curmmy weather.....I've got curly roots and straight at the bottom...dad's hair on top, mom's hair on bottom....lucky me!! Shrouk's parents and baby brother Omar went to Missouri today to house search and I honestly don't know what I'll do if she moves. We hang out EVERYDAY all day. Going from my house to her house.....and you pronounce her name like....."Sha-ruu-k".....also today I went and worked out and I am going to continue to get my Dopamine running through my body and get healthy as the summer comes so I'm fresh and new and happy with myself next year!! Now I'm going to go and finish my math homework....I'm a procrastinator...but not before I use speel check!! ahahhaha.

xoxox Alyssa

Pictures

I love to photograph. I have a point and shoot 14 megapixel camera and I have my baby, a Pentax that I'm unable to use because the shutter needs to be fixed. I like to use natural light but when needed, I use my flash. I love getting that perfect shot, the picture you want and when you edit it you get it just the way you want it to look like. I know I'm no photographer but I love to photograph.

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